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Something has happened but
Dunno know what,something is killin' me inside, something that I wanna tell
someone, something that I couldn't tell someone, something that breaks me up.
something is going on, I wanna be a normal, I wanna be free from the thoughts
which is going inside my head, heart is totally filled with thousands of
thoughts, what is that.? I dunno know, why am I not in a state of mind? I wanna
sleep like a baby but I couldn't sleep. I wanna run away from the thoughts
which’s inside my head. I don't want this character anymore, I wanna stay away
from this social life. I wanna go somewhere where I feel alive. I tried harder
and harder to be as normal as I'm but I couldn't do anything that would bring
me back to normal life. I have a question from my life, why me always.? why I'm
facing all this stuff and the situations that I couldn't solve. People tell me
that I'm a jerk and why I'm doing this, but not a single person knows what I'm
going through. I wanna live in the present but why do situations bring me back
to the past that I dunno want anymore. I love that moment when I didn't recognize
anything, when I can do whatever I like, I love that moment when I was smiling
without any reason. Please gimme those days when I used to do things that I like
to do. Why life is going to be so complicated.?
Someone told me once that “A
moment will come when you don’t want to live but you have to. A moment will
come when you are blank. When you don’t like anything anymore you want to give
up those things why you hate yourself without any reason. You want to cry but the
tears not come out from your eyes.”
But in my case, it’s
repeating. I do believe that life is a circle it will repeat all those things
what’ve done in past. When I was happy but the people surrounded me was not. I
dunno what’ve done in my past but it’s the reason behind it, that’s why all
things are happening with me.
Someone told me if you’ll
get sad or unhappy for the life you are living in then just think all the
people who is resided in the footpath. They find the reason of being happy. Today
I met one of them who is residing at road. A person told me “Please gimme some
money so I can eat something, I’ve not eaten nothing since morning.”
I went to the shop buy
some chips and gave those chips to that bagger. After giving those chips to the
bagger he smiled at me and just blessed me. I followed him and saw something
which’ve never thought before. I saw that bagger to a small shop he gave the
chips to that shopkeeper and take some money from shopkeeper. I didn’t say anything
and went to office when I returned, I saw the same bagger and he was counting
the money that he had. I went there and I ask him “what are you doing? He replied
me, we get money approx. 1000 per day, if we count it is30000 per month, he
calculated those money that he did something good. We get money without doing
nothing. “he added.
I know not all people is like
him. Some of them we really need money for something,
I returned to my room, I dunno
what makes me confused that I didn’t tune out what exactly happened with me. I
want to get locked in my room, no light should be there, I want to scream and tell
to my Avtar, why are you doing this? why my thoughts are not clear. Why do I overthink?
I am exhausted from doing nothing at all. It feels as if I’m drowning with no room to breath in a sea full of strangers, with nameless faces in clusters, they discuss current events in their lives and it makes me want to die inside. I don’t know when to stop.? 💔
-Tejas
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